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T?? D?L? M???????

“What the heck was that?!” I gasped as I tried to compose myself. I looked around, trying to remember what was happening and where I was. She had just appeared. Why is that? I must have been hallucinating, I thought. There’s no way she can still be alive. I even saw her—

The thought ended there as I began to sob. After three years, I thought I could still see her. That memory is still fresh in my mind; what the air smelled like, what was around me, what took her from me — it still feels like I was at her funeral yesterday…

A creak from behind me jerked me back into the present. I let my hands slip into my pockets, trying to find anything that can let me see where I was. I finally found a flashlight. Relieved, I turned it on, expecting to find my house, all in order, with Mom and Dad sitting at the table, doing the taxes. I got the complete opposite.

T?? D??? M???????

               “I saw them again,” I said nervously.

               “Really?” she replied. “I thought that it was just some weird dream thing”

               “But it wasn’t a dream this time.” I explained. “I was actually there this time, rather than looking through someone else’s eyes. I was actually feeling everything there, making my own decisions. I even saw you, ju—”

               “Don’t bring me into this,” she interrupted. “I already feel uncomfortable enough about this topic.”

               “Okay,” I replied. I wish she could have known about what I saw, who she was with, and what she did. Instead, I had to live with whatever I experienced without her support.

T?? D??? ????????

The Shadows scare me, mother
They reach out for me.
They always try to hurt me
Like I always do to the wolf.

I don't like the way their eyes glow.
They always stare into who I am,
But I have already reached my best.
I have liberated myself.

The stars will be on my side,
And "She" will love me for it.
Is this the third way?
Or the second?

How can I tell you when
If I cannot move forward?
How can I get Buddy back
If he's not in my room?

How can I live here
If "she" is dead?
How can I love here
If "she" is dead?

How can be alive
If "she" has"him?

How do I exist?
How did I come to be?

T?? ???? ????????

          "What is this place?" I was lost in an abyss of terror. I could feel hot breath on my neck, sweat beading down my cheek, and fear rushing up my spine and into my stomach. Although I could not describe this... feeling, I knew that I was going to either be very much alive or be very much not alive soon.

          As I ran down the street that exited town, I felt time begin to slow. My movements became sluggish, but so did my pursuer's. I felt my self freeze in place. I moved, but I didn't move. I tried moving one foot, but someone--no, some thing--held it in place. I struggled to free myself from this force, but it was all in vain. Then I saw a shadow cast on my gaze. I dared not to look up. But as I turned my eyes to the night sky, only a human--or what I thought was a human--blocked my view; this figure had white, beady eyes that somehow penetrate your mind into what you've seen and heard. He pointed to his hand. I looked at his hand. In that hand was a teddy bear. One from my youth. One that has comforted me when I needed it most. One that loved me when she left. One that told me not to cry, that she was only hiding and would come back and love me.

          Then it hit me. I realized that I knew how I had gotten here. I realized that I knew this figure. I realized that I knew my purpose. I realized that this was all a wacky dream! Just a figment of my imagination! So I closed my eyes and crossed my fingers, as I always do to exit dreams. But as I opened my eyes again, I was back where I started. I was back to the beginning of the end.

          I was home.

         And the figure stood right where he was standing in town.

         Directly above me.

         And he pulled me down to hell.

Project TOY

Fight him to be no longer
Save her to no longer be
Redo what was undone
Undo what was redone
I sometimes play with the wolf.
I sometimes dance with the blades.
I sometimes hold the blades.
I sometimes hurt the wolf.

I always see the wolf.
I always hold my doll-y tight.
I always hear the whispers;
"Pull in, pull out, and run."

I sometimes see her there.
I sometimes see a blade.
I sometimes see him there.
I sometimes see her red.

I never look at his eyes.
I always stare at her.
I never see the whispers
that always bang in my eyes.
Fear can be a superstition

Fear can stimulate panic that isn't real.
Panic can lead to running from an invisible force
Running can lead to tripping down an infinite hole.
An infinite hole can lead to him.
He can lead you to Death.
Death can avoid you and take her.

But are you willing to risk this burden?

What if there's a third option?
What if the group can defend you and her?
What if Death died?
What if you died?
What if she died?
What if...
I always play with the wolf.
He always helps me along.
He never, ever hurts me,
but tells me to hurt him.

I always heard the voices,
rasping down my throat.
I never obeyed this one:
"Fear is just a superstition.

Fear can become him.
He can become Death.
Death can take her."
But I asked if Death can die.

I always saw the wolf,
even as I dreamt.
But I always collide with her,
falling down the forever hole.

Am I willing to take the risk?
To redo what was undone?
To let the whispers take me?
To always see her in red?

Or can I make a third way–
undoing the redone?
To stop the banging eyes?
To take upon the burden?

What if I no longer was?
What if I no longer waited?
What if I no longer knew?
What if–

What if I...
                     ...I stared?